Pretty eyed, pirate smile...

For the first six months or more of your life, I rocked you to sleep every single night. As you got older, it was a job that I shared with Mama and we put you to bed together. It's been a couple weeks now since your mama and I decided that with Max on the way it would probably be best if we start getting you used to only one of us putting you to bed. You're our whole world right now and bedtime has been our special time to be together as a family and just hold you and let love fill the silent dark void. It's been one of my favorite things about being a mom. I love holding you and rocking you. I love the smell of your hair. I love your little baby hand on my neck. I love the weight of your tiny body as I carry you to your crib, put Bunny Raitt in your arms and tuck Bank Bank around you. I know that you won't be in my arms that way forever and I love these moments now. Which is why I was in a panic after we started the solo mommy sleep pattern. My first couple of nights something strange happened. Something that is terrifying as a parent. I gathered all your bedtime gear and went to the rocking chair with you and we had rocked about three times then you wiggled yourself to the ground walked over to your crib and pointed. You looked so grown up standing there. I could read your mind as you stared at me, "I'm sleepy...can we skip all this cuddling business?". It broke my heart, but I put you in your crib then went to Mama and told her how sad I was. I am relieved to tell you that it was only those couple of times and now you are back to letting me rock you, but still I know a time is coming. If there's anything you can do about it, I just want you to know that Mommy isn't ready for you to be so grown up. As we drove home from work/school yesterday listening to Tiny Dancer on the radio, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw my toddler sleeping in her car seat. I can see that you are getting older, but sometimes I still get a glimpse of my tiny baby too.

Your great grandmother...

I'm sad for you both that your great grandmother has returned to our lord this past weekend. I would have loved for you both to have grown up knowing not only your great grandmother Lillian, but also your grandmother Lucy. When I was not much older than Lucy my great grandmother died and I remember my dad explaining to me that everyone will eventually die. I remember that being about the most terrifying thing I could think about. When you are little everyone is taller, everyone is older and I remember being really focused on how it effected me personally later when I lost my mother's dad and then my dad's mother. As you get older and (if I am doing my job) closer to God you know in a very personal way that what is alive goes on. Your great grandmother knew it and she wasn't afraid. When you know that the person you love has gone on, you still miss that person and that's hard, but you can also focus on your gratitude that each of us has an opportunity to live forever and the comfort that comes with gratitude tempers the sting of loss.

We are an Auburn family, but your great grandmother was about the biggest Alabama fan I've known. She called the players her "kids" and they signed a football for her to their "memaw". There were even flowers there at the funeral from "your crimson and white family". We should all aspire to be so loved. I didn't take Lucy to the funeral because I didn't know how it would make her feel and until we can talk about what's going on in that little nogin of hers I just didn't feel right about her being there. I was so happy that your great grandmother was able to hold you Lucy and know that I gave you her name before she left this earth. Even though you aren't here yet my little sugar smack, your grandmother did tell your great grandmother about you and she was pleased for Lucy to have a sibling.

Asleep in Jesus

(that's how the preacher put it and I rather liked the phrase)

29 May 1925 - 10 October 2010

On being your mom...

Being a mom doesn't come naturally to me. I adore your sister...I adore you already, adoring is something I can do well. The mothering part...that's a struggle for me. I don't think that makes me a bad mom, but it does feel like I have to work at it harder than some. Since I was a very small girl I imagined my babies and I knew that I wanted very much to be a mother. Everything else about my adult life was a bit of a blur. I didn't know if I would marry a man, I didn't know if I would stay home and raise my baby like my mother did. I am still reminded everyday that I don't have a clue what I am doing. You will learn very early in your life that sometimes you just need to fake something long enough and eventually, maybe before you even realize it, you won't be faking it anymore. A beautiful thing I know about your mama is that she has a magical ability to make anyone around her believe that they aren't faking at all. When I met your mother, I started to believe all sorts of things about myself that she somehow made come true. I pretty much knew the minute I met her that this sorta power was something I should harness and tuck away for my future family. You're welcome by the way.

Goodbye first trimester...

Today mama and I got to see you again and you are beautiful my tiny. Just like I remember Lucy when she was your size. Your little feet were just kicking and moving. You were full of energy. Your heartbeat was between 170 and 180 beats per minute. We asked the ultrasound technicians if they thought you were a girl or a boy. It was very hard for them to get a look at you because you were moving so much, but the consensus right now is that you are a boy. I promise we won't buy you anything until we know for sure. Mama told your grandfather that you were going to be coming in April last night. Your due date is 10 April 2011. That is your uncle David's birthday, Aunt B's birthday, and your grandmother Lucy's birthday (not that I am pressuring you to hit that date perfect or anything). It was so good to see you again my baby. Mama works very hard to keep you safe and comfortable. She is watching her diet and exercising. She is a good mama...you are going to like her very much.

Video of your heartbeat

Support Systems....

Mama and I went to north Alabama this past weekend to visit your grandparents and your great grandmother. One day last week I called your grandmother and told her you were coming. I see how she is with your sister and I feel like I know when she lays her eyes on you that she will instantly be in love with you as I am already. It's sad for her that she wishes you were coming from my tummy and mama and I wanted that too for different reasons, but most of all we wanted/want you to be healthy. We wanted to get you here before our window of opportunity closed forever. Our family is complicated. That's something you can expect us to be talking about for a very long time to come my child. You won't be the only person you know with a family like ours, but there is a good chance you won't know many. Being different isn't bad, but it is...well...different...and that can evoke some pretty strong feelings in some people. If you can love and you are loved (and you are) there is nothing you won't overcome.

Our official baby...

At seven weeks and 3 days we went back to the doctors office and we heard your little heart beat. 161 beats per minute and it was the most lovely sound. We had your sister Lucy with us which was not planned, but she had gotten sick at school so mama had to pick her up and I held her in my lap while we both looked with wonder at tiny little you up on the big screen. I said "This is your little brother or sister, big bird", but at 18 months poor little Lucy has no idea that in just 7 more months we will be bringing you home. Her teachers say that she is such a little helper with the other kids that they know that she will be a great big sister. I believe that about her too.

Today (27 Aug 2010) we made you offical and put you on the waiting list at St. Luke. Next we have to tell your grandparents, I hope that they will be as excited for your arrival as I am. Grow safe my tiny little love...

On my mind...

I've been trying not to think about you because we won't get to see you again until next week, but mama has been having morning sickness worse than she did with your sister and since your arms and legs are forming now and your little heart is beating and your neural tube is forming, I try to remind mama to take her vitamins so that you will have everything you need to be our big strong baby. Most everyone thinks you are going to be a boy. Mama thinks you are a boy and I can't explain why, but I sorta think so too. If you are we are going to name you after your pop pop (my daddy). I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE SUGAR SMACK!

Five weeks & 2 days....

We are here for another ultrasound. Today we can see a yolk sac that they tell us is beautiful baby you. I took a picture of the ultra sound pic with my phone so remind me and I'll show it to you.

Standing By...

Today we had our first ultrasound. We couldn't see you yet, but we could see that Mama is making you a nice squishy home to spend the next 38/39 weeks. Mama read online that next week you will be about the size of a grain of rice. God is magnificent! Just a few weeks ago you were an idea that we had....an idea that you would be a perfect little companion for Lucy who at 17 months is already so smart and so independent. Just this past weekend we had friends over for dinner who brought their new baby with them and little Lucy looked at that baby like she wasn't too sure about having that little loud mouth in her house, but don't worry. We talk to her about you and we are going have 8 more months to get you two acquainted. Mommy loves you!

Just found out...

We're pregnant....with you..... We took a test on Sunday before mommy left to go to ATL (25 Jul) and it was negative. I was a little sad, but I knew that it might be too early for a positive. Mama took a hormone shot that causes false positives so we figured at least we knew that was not in her system (she had that shot on the 15th and then we made you on the 16th & 17th). We took a second test when I got home Wed night and there was just the faintest of faint lines. We were in shock....so we got out the digital test I had bought, mama pee'd on it and a few minutes later "pregnant" (on your uncle Mike's birthday). It's scary to be having a baby. It's exciting, but it's scary, even when you want it very badly. I got mama to stop at CVS last night and we bought more test because it's still so hard to believe you will be here next April. We're still pregnant. We love you already...

Lucy....then and now

This is Lucy in the wooden bowl at 9 days old and then again at 1 year.

Ask me anything....

Lucy 13 month doctor visit

We took you to the doctor last week and they gave you four more shots. These are your 12 months shots, but somewhere we got off a month so you got to wait until you were 13 months to get them. You were right at 25 pounds, 32 inches tall and your head was 18 1/2 inches around. I gotta go back and look, but I was thinking your head was always 18 1/2 inches around. You were so good. The nurses commented that most babies are already crying when you go to hold them down for the shots, but you didn't make a sound until after the torture started. It was over fast and we held you until your stopped crying. As we were leaving you saw the nurses that had given you the shots and with a sad little face you lifted your hand to wave goodbye to them. I whispered in your ear that it was okay to be a little rude. You've been walking some....only a little. You are so very cautious in everything you do. I can only imagine you get that from me because Mama is nothing like that. You CAN walk...you just don't see a need for all that risk just yet. I know when you're ready you will do it and you will be good at it. When I picked you up from school yesterday we looked at your art on the wall and talked about the sounds that the animals make. I ask you if you wanted to hold my hand and walk to the car then I put you on the ground. You always make sure you have a firm grasp on my fingers and then you TOOK OFF. Your head was held high, you were so proud with a big grin on your face. My beautiful girl. I said "You go Goose!!! You get this down and those feet will take you anywhere you wanna go!" ("and then you bring you back to me", I thought).